Seems like this will be a bit of a downer, right? But let’s be real, there is fear and there is loss. I’ve read many places that within every adoption there is loss. In that equation it is only fair that I talk about my own loss in this because that is what I know. As the reality of parenthood gets closer, the fear and loss can become overwhelming. Luckily, I have a huge support system that brings me back up.
But back to the fun stuff: fear and loss. Sometimes they go hand-in-hand and sometimes not.
My biggest fear is becoming a parent. That is a lot of pressure. I am quite sure I have heard every person who is becoming a parent say they are afraid, it is natural and certain. I think that the fear means you care, so the more afraid I am means the more I care. Perfect!
I am afraid of losing the goodness of what Anthony and I have. We have a pretty sweet deal now with the boys (pups Gunner and Apollo) going. We take weekend vacations up to Ashland, sleep in (well more of that is me), go out to dinner on the fly, and have lazy Saturdays binge watching one Marvel Netflix show or another. From what I hear that will definitely not be happening as much as it does now. Ugh 😉
The fear of the loss. Our child will have some form of loss and trauma at varying levels or another and that scares the crap out of me. I have worked in a field with the experiences of others similar to this for almost 3 years and that was quite a crash course. With that being said, I start to think of those that have been around me in this. Not only have they been there for me in the job support aspect, but have become a source of support and some of my best friends in the other aspects of life. We call these people and the others that are non co-workers our Framily. They are friends that feel like family. Though are family is not close in proximity they are also incredibly supportive. How did we get so lucky? These people put me at ease in this area of fear. They have not only been my support, but Anthony’s too and I hope they will be our child’s. That is hope. Hope is a lifesaver in this aspect.
Loss is part of adoption. It is an essential part. Our child will have loss, but so will we. Some women may not look forward to the lovely months of weight gain, nausea, pain (all over), and the pressure of growing a person, but I did. I think being pregnant is such a beautiful glorious part of womanhood. The miracle of growing a little person from cells! That is nuts and quite cool! I will not get to experience that. Not only does a mama get to grow that little person, but they get to nourish them. I know nursing your child comes with many tough parts, but I just love the thought that you get that sweet bonding time and goodness from your body to theirs. When we were in peak of trying to get pregnant, I wanted to make sure my mind was in sync with what I was trying to get my body to do, so I laid in bed and visualized myself pregnant. I would imagine myself rubbing my belly, Anthony weirded out by our baby moving around, but secretly hoping the strong kicks would mean we’d have an athlete. I saw Gunner laying his head on top of my round swollen belly and Apollo enjoying my pregnancy cravings just as much as me. Knowing that vision will remain just that hurts and I imagine for some time the pain will linger.
Now, I imagine the call we will get when our little one is matched with us. The call to say they think they have found our one. The first walk through the park with the boys and our little one. Because yes as “they” say our little one may not have grown in my belly, but my goodness they have grown in our hearts.
Thank you family, friends, Framily, co-workers, acquaintances, strangers, and others for the hope and support to diminish the fears and lessen the losses! You are the rocks we need in those moments 🙂